Page gets owned by text

By BIG-KAHUNA BURGER BABY

01 January 2008

I have a strange fascination to confess to. Perhaps fascination is the wrong word actually. People may hold a fascination for outer space, or socialist theory, or Jordan's tits, and I certainly doubt that my particular vice compares to any of these. No, fondness is probably a better word. No, it's stronger than fondness - affection.

We've all (and if we haven't then we should have) been on a 'College humour' website at some time or other. Like "Break", or "Kontraband", or the absolute king of all such sites (in spite of a recent decline in quality) - "Shooshtime". If these names stir a warm familiarity within you, skip the end of this paragraph. If not, before you rush to your AOL, it should be noted that none of these sites are entirely inoffensive. They feature violence, naughty words and lots, LOTS, of porn. If you're comfortable with that, feel free to whip out your broadband now.

Before you judge me, my love of these sites is categorically not due to their copious amounts of porn. In fact, the main reason for Shooshtime's decline in quality has been its transition from "Humour (with a bit of porn)" to "PORN (with some humour as long as it doesn't get in the way of PORN)". That said, a little bit of porn never hurt anyone. I digress. No, the reason I love these sites is not the porn, nor is it the countless videos of dumb American suburbian kids breaking their arms, setting fire to themselves, falling down stairs, fighting, etc. etc. etc.

The reason I love these sites is because they have, without a doubt, the most talented copywriters in the world working for them.

Is their talent intentional? I severely doubt it. But talent it is. The little descriptions that each video gets on the site are amazing, seriously. For example, here are a couple of recent ones from Break:

"This is actually really funny, some deer gets caught up in a back yard swing set. Watch what happens when he tries to break free and run away. He must have been so confused. "

"This kid builds up some speed then executes a jump perfectly. Oh wait no he slams into it face first."

Pretty breathtaking I think you'll agree. The first one even touches on rather deep philosophy, like the conceptual differences between human and deer social and generational hierarchies.

But you have to lower the intelligence much further to find the true genius. Enter Shooshtime, and beautiful specimens such as:

"This guy gets owned by an exercise ball."

"This hot and innocent piece of ass will make you explode on impact."

The first one here opens up an entire new subculture by itself. Truly, I have lost count of the number of times there has been a Shooshtime scenario in line with the following - guy attempts stunt involving inanimate object, guy grossly overestimates his potential for completing said stunt, guy fails said stunt, guy gets horribly maimed by said inanimate object. This will, without fail, be described in the following manner:

"Haha this guy never saw inanimate object coming. He tries to perform stunt with object and ends up getting owned hard. This is why you don't mess with inanimate object."

Never in the history of literature has personification been issued with such aplomb as is contained in the annals of Shooshtime, the only place in the world where it is possible for the pavement, or a lamppost, or indeed an exercise ball, to plot an attack strategy with such proficiency that it can be said, without irony, that they are capable of handing out an 'owning'.

And the second example above really needs no comment.

Anyway, I feel now that I have shared my little affection with sufficient clarity, so I'm off for a vindaloo. No doubt, tomorrow morning, this too will result in me getting thoroughly owned.